Identity

I am a sequence of configurations of language, experience, and desire, a changing bundle of identities.

Many of us at some point in our life have felt lost. We don’t know who we are or where we are going. Sometimes this is because we have experienced things that contradict our concept of ourselves and our culture. This often happens when people go off to war. It can also happen when we are dislocated or we suddenly realize that the ways we have been taught are not the only ways. There are other cultures, other paths, other practices. So who are we fundamentally? If we just stop and try to observe ourselves, we may feel a very disconcerting vertigo. What is behind the flow? Are we just one thing?

Like many seemingly obvious things, when you look for an I, it is very hard to find. What we do find are conversations, sensations, imaginings, dreams, likes, dislikes, hopes, blank spots of dreamless sleep, and much more. Many of these can be said to be intentional in the sense that there seems to be someone talking and sensing, but when you get right down to it, you just have different configurations of language, experience, and desire, one after another. So the best I can do is define myself as that sequence.

I could say that I am that which stays the same through the sequence, but I seem to be changing all of the time. If I look back on myself at 12 and then at 21 and then now, I am not the same person, although there is still a lot that is the same. But that could just be because one configuration leads to another and then to the next with linkages all the way back.

I do seem to have some groupings of configurations that have similar behavior patterns and thought patterns, patterns I keep coming back to in similar situations. These could be called my identities. For example, there are my identities related to work, school, home, social gatherings, and ethnic associations. I have various degrees of control over these identities, but they most always involve playing a role. Others must accept me in an identity or it becomes undermined.

For the most part I am hardly conscious of my shifts from one identity to the other. I feel that I am the same person, even if others cannot see it. One thing that doesn’t change is my physical body. I still have the same body. Of course, it is getting older, but I can still see the similarities when I look at pictures or in the mirror. It is the only thing that others see of me, my body and its actions. That could be why I take it so seriously when my body is classified in one way or the other. I am my body. I am not my body. I am more than my body. It is hard to know.

From the point of view of my experiences, I can never see my complete body at any point in time. I can see more of it in the mirror or in pictures. I can definitely feel it. It is at least my constant companion. I don’t really know if it completely defines me. It doesn’t seem that way. What I do and what I think seem important. But are these just phenomena of my body?

Some people are artists of their identities. They can recreate themselves. But doesn’t their past prevent them from assuming a different identity? You can redefine yourself without lying about your past. You can say, “I was that person then, but then I changed and became a new person.” People undergo radical shifts and conversions all the time. But the elements of their new identities were always at least partially there in their old ones. Think of a stereo with levers for different channels. You can shift different levers up and down and get a new sound. What was de-emphasized before can become central now. Other things can be muted. New channels can be added. To really play the new role though you must convince others to accept you in that role.

There are many ways to construct an identity. You can catalog the history of a sequence. You can list your social roles. You can describe a region of space and time. You can mention your memberships. You can endorse cultures and tastes. You can make a shrine of preference. You can set out a display of your purchases. You can write your numbers in ledgers. Just to name a few.

Of course, many people are never concerned about their identities or even very aware of them. They naturally grew into them and they continue to work. But when there is considerable social change it may be difficult to maintain the same identities. Even if you are satisfied, social pressures may force you onto a new path. When this happens it can be useful to realize that what you are is more like faces reflected in a stream than a face carved in stone.