Happiness

Here’s a recipe. If you are unhappy, change the language, change the experience, or change the desire, or some combination of these, until they are reconciled. Change how you talk about the situation, change the situation, or change what you want. It’s very simple to say. To put it into practice is another thing.

We are happy when things are going our way, that is, when our strongest desires are being met. Obviously, if we are hungry or thirsty or in pain, it is hard to be happy, unless we have unusual powers of detachment. On the other hand, even if we wish we were a movie star or the president, it is still possible to be happy because these desires are usually weak, more like daydreams.

Part of this is expectations. We feel that it is very unlikely that we will become a movie star. We don’t take it seriously, so the desire is weak. On the other hand, some people are really driven to become a movie star. It is one of their strongest desires, and they will never be satisfied until they make it. Without this drive, it may be impossible for them to become a movie star because of the many obstacles that they will meet. They must keep going and not give up. Their desire must be strong.

But there may be a way to balance ambition with happiness. You can have the strong desire to do what is needed to become a movie star while maintaining a weaker desire for the end result. In other words, indulge in the daydream but do not become obsessed with the final result. Instead be obsessed with the process. Save your strongest desires for things that you can control. You can control seeking the result. You cannot control your ultimate success.

Take another common desire. Suppose that I want everyone to like me, to respect me, to think positively of me. Because of this I am always trying to conform myself to people’s expectations, or my view of their expectations. When I realize that I have done something or that I have some characteristic that people will not respect or like, I can feel desperately unhappy. Part of the problem could be my views. I may have the unreasonable view that people are always watching me, that they really care what I do and are waiting for me to screw up. I may also have unreasonable views about my characteristics or of what people think of me. This is a problem with the sort of inner monologue I carry on. The whole situation could change if instead I believed that people are really not that concerned about what I do unless it affects them. Also, what would be the consequences if some people didn’t like me? Would it really harm me in any way? Can I reasonably expect everyone to like me? Why do I want that? Still appearances may be important, as when we dress a certain way for an interview, but they are not centrally important. We can view them more functionally. I can take the attitude that I like to get along with people, but if they don’t like me or don’t respect me, I don’t care that much unless there are real consequences that really matter to me.

So some ideas are to desire what you can control and to test your views to see if they really match the situation. That is, change your desires or change how you think about the situation.

Of course, it is not always a matter of trying to adjust yourself to the situation, sometimes the situation needs to be changed. If you really hate something, maybe it is time to do something about it. We do this all the time. We are hungry, so we eat. We are worried about our retirement, so we save and invest. It is cold, so we turn up the heat.

Take the example of your job. If you really hate your job, what should you do? First look at your views about your job. Test them against experience. Do you have reasonable expectations? Are you expecting your job to provide your self-respect as well as your income? Maybe you could shift some of those desires to other activities. You could take your job for what it is and make the best of it. In other words, adjust your language and your desire. In addition, you may need to change your experience. You could try to adjust your assignments to areas you do like and avoid or de-emphasize areas that you do not like. If you like your field, it may just be where you are working. Maybe it is time to change companies or organizations, but try to determine if where you are going would really be better. Or it could be that you really don’t like the type of work you do, so you may need to work out a plan to transition to another occupation.

Similar considerations can apply to where you live, to your relationships, to your life style. Understand and test the texts you use. Determine your true desires. Try to understand what could change in the situation. Then reconcile, adjust, minimize and maximize. Take your happiness into your own hands.

Still, there are times when you really do understand the situation correctly and there is nothing you can change. To be happy then, you must learn detachment, that is, you must weaken your desire. You may still wish things were otherwise, but you can’t do anything about it. So you just have to let go.